Conflict is inevitable in any marriage. But for many couples, disagreements quickly escalate into arguments where frustration, resentment, and misunderstandings take over.
Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in marriage and relationships, identified four common behaviors that predict divorce if left unaddressed. He calls them the Four Horsemen—but the good news is, there are healthier ways to navigate conflict.
I’m Heather Parton, a Registered Mental Health Counselor Intern at Seven Oaks Therapy. I work with couples to help them strengthen their relationships using evidence-based strategies.
In this article, we’ll explore the “Four Horsemen” and how couples can handle conflict in a way that builds connection and intimacy, rather than resentment and frustration.
Let’s get started!
The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
The first of the four horsemen is Criticism
Criticism attacks your partner’s character rather than addressing a specific issue. It sounds like: “You never listen to me!”
Instead, try a gentle startup: “I feel unheard when I share something important. Can we talk about this?”
The key is to express your needs without blaming your partner.
The second of the four horsemen is Defensiveness
Defensiveness happens when we make excuses or shift blame instead of owning our part in a conflict.
Instead of saying, “That’s not true, I was just busy,” try: “I can see how that hurt you. I didn’t mean to, but I’ll try to be more aware next time.”
Owning even a small part of the issue helps de-escalate tension.
The third of the four horsemen is Contempt
Contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce. It looks like sarcasm, eye-rolling, or name-calling—things like, “You’re so lazy, I have to do everything!”
The antidote? Building a culture of appreciation. Instead of focusing on what your spouse does wrong, highlight what they do right.
A simple “Hey, I really appreciate you taking care of the dishes tonight” can go a long way.
The fourth and final horsemen is Stonewalling
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally shuts down during conflict. Instead of withdrawing, practice self-soothing—step away for a few minutes, take deep breaths, and come back when you’re ready to engage productively.
Healthy conflict is about connection, not competition, and as a Christian counselor, I also love how Scripture encourages healthy communication. James 1:19 reminds us: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.”
The goal of conflict isn’t to win—it’s to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse. This week, try these three simple steps:
- Start a conflict with “I feel” instead of “You always…”
- Write down three things you appreciate about your spouse and share them.
- If you’re overwhelmed in an argument, take a 20-minute break and pray before returning.
Marriage is a lifelong journey, and learning how to navigate conflict in a healthy way is a crucial part of that. If you and your spouse feel stuck in negative patterns, counseling can help.
At Seven Oaks Therapy, we use proven strategies to help couples improve communication and strengthen their marriage. If you’re ready to take that step, reach out to us today—we’d love to walk this journey with you.