As a pastor, you may receive calls or meetings with couples facing marital struggles. Having a few well-crafted “pocket questions” can help you quickly assess whether the situation requires pastoral care, deeper counseling, or immediate intervention. These questions are designed to identify the nature and urgency of the issue while encouraging open and honest discussion.
Understanding the Nature of the Concern
Before diving into specific issues, it is important to understand why the couple has sought guidance. These questions help assess the timeline, severity, and urgency of their struggles.
- “What prompted you to reach out today?”
- “How long have you been experiencing this challenge in your marriage?”
- “Would you describe this as an ongoing struggle, a recent issue, or a crisis?”
Communication & Conflict Resolution
Healthy communication is a cornerstone of a strong marriage. These questions explore how well the couple listens to and understands each other, as well as how they handle disagreements.
- “When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation where you both felt heard?”
- “How do you currently handle conflict? Would you say your arguments are productive or damaging?”
- “Are there any recurring issues that seem to never get resolved?”
Emotional & Spiritual Connection
Marriage is about more than just physical presence; emotional and spiritual bonds must be nurtured. These questions help gauge the couple’s level of emotional intimacy and spiritual alignment.
- “Do you feel emotionally safe and valued in your marriage?”
- “How are you both supporting each other spiritually?”
- “When was the last time you prayed together or shared a moment of spiritual connection?”
Trust & Commitment
Trust and commitment are essential for a healthy marriage. These questions help assess whether trust has been broken and how committed both partners are to reconciliation and growth.
- “Has there been any breach of trust (e.g., infidelity, secrecy, dishonesty)?”
- “Do you both feel fully committed to working through these issues together?”
- “Have either of you considered separation or divorce? If so, what led to that thought?”
Family & External Influences
External stressors can impact a marriage. These questions explore how outside influences, such as extended family and financial stress, may be affecting the relationship.
- “Are there outside pressures (family, work, finances) contributing to the strain in your marriage?”
- “How do you handle extended family involvement in your marriage decisions?”
- “Are there any major life transitions affecting your relationship right now?”
Intimacy & Affection
Emotional and physical intimacy play a crucial role in marriage. These questions help uncover unmet needs, barriers to intimacy, and how affection is expressed in the relationship.
- “Do you both feel emotionally and physically connected?”
- “How do you express love and appreciation for each other on a regular basis?”
- “Are there any unspoken needs or unmet expectations regarding intimacy?”
When to Refer for Professional Help
While pastoral guidance is valuable, some situations require professional intervention. If any of the following concerns arise, it may be necessary to refer the couple to a licensed counselor.
- Emotional or physical abuse
- Severe communication breakdown (constant criticism, contempt, stonewalling)
- Infidelity that remains unresolved
- Substance abuse or addiction affecting the marriage
- Mental health struggles that impact relational stability
- Repeated patterns of destructive behavior with no progress
Encouraging Next Steps
Encouraging action steps helps couples move toward healing and restoration. These questions guide them toward commitment, structured counseling, and spiritual growth.
- “Would you be open to a structured counseling plan to work through these concerns together?”
- “How can we invite God into the healing and restoration of your marriage?”
- “Would you both be willing to set aside time each week for intentional connection and prayer?”
Every marriage goes through challenges, but restoration is possible when both partners commit to growth, humility, and Christ-centered love.
If there are couples in your congregation that need extra counseling support, please let them know there are Christian counselors at Seven Oaks Therapy that can help.